We all know our routine when it comes to how we like our sex. Being single and hooking up can be very different from relationship sex in terms of what we are willing to compromise on in the bedroom. Finding and maintaining sexual compatibly with our partners in a world of ever changing libidos that affect desire can be tricky.
When it comes to sex there are those of us who can't live without, those of us who can take it or leave it and a few people who don't like or need sex at all.
Sexual compatibility can often make or break a relationship depending on our libido and how important it is for the individuals engaging in the intimate relationship.
I've certainly had my fair share of relationships that weren't sexually ideal for my overzealous libido but, we made it work anyhow. With clear communication we can teach each other what we like, don't like and where we are willing to compromise to make another happy.
Sexual compatibility takes its biggest hit when there is a lack of communication.
We often hear words like, “We’re just not sexually compatible anymore.” Sometimes we’re even psychic (or think we are) when it comes to the mere consideration of getting it on with someone new and find ourselves saying things like, “I don’t think we are going to be sexually compatible, I can just sense it."
Sometimes there is too much sexual compatibility and each time you get together is like a porn shoot! “Our sexual chemistry is off the charts!” I'm hesitant to say too much sex is ever a bad thing, but in extreme circumstances it can be.
Too much sexual compatibility can be a problem when the people involved are blindly wound bonding and form unhealthy emotional attachments and behaviors that are reinforced by the chemical bonding in sex. Or, if sex becomes a compulsion that interferes with our daily living and continually puts us at risk for STI's it may be worth looking at.
Sexual compatibility is huge for most relationships. It’s the glue that can bind even the most dysfunctional relationships together while incompatibility is the very thing that breaks them apart. Sexual compatibility can be broken down into two parts:
Sexual compatibility has a smell that's beyond our control.
Our sniffer's are activated when there is compatibility. Subconsciously working behind the scenes are chemical components to our mating and dating selection process. These major histocompatibility complexes are genes correlated to the immune system that play a role in choosing a mate.
And when it comes to our “love genes,” opposites do attract.
Genetic diversity ensures a more successful gene pool in the offspring if we’re choosing to have children one day. Of course love doesn’t always transcend mere physical attraction but we can rest assured that our biological systems are working to help us choose the most sexually compatible mate!
But there is a part we can control—at least partially.Our Libido—our sex drive—is more of a cocktail. Libidos change as we change. In longer term relationships both men and women go through hormonal changes as they age (manopause and menopause). There are life stresses like raising kids, commitments to work and money challenges that affect our sex drive. If we are taking psycho-pharmacological medications for depression or are suffering from a physical illness, all these life experiences can affect our desire to have sex in one direction or another.
A general rule of thumb is use it or lose it when it comes to our libidos.
Sexual incompatibility in the bedroom is one of the major reasons many long term relationships end or sexual affairs begin. This can be avoided if the bridges of communication are kept open, are non-judgmental and respectful even if the topic is difficult to approach. Being in the “mood” can require some compromise and some effort with our partners, but it's worth it. If one area of a relationship gets ignored it could cause a domino effect in other areas as well.
Different intimacy needs and sexual preferences are often workable when the underlying libido and desire are present. Desire and deeper connection (intimacy) are fueled when there are a few other things in common besides sexual compatibility. Interests, morals, values and life goals all play a huge role in overall compatibility.
Author: Heather Dawn